Yes, we can talk about race and racism with our young (white) kids

by Teresa K. Dunleavy

A lot of times I have heard (particularly in circles of white folks), that talking about race with kids when they are “so young” is out of the question. But as a white parent of white kids, what I have found is that not only are they not too young, they are eager to learn and talk more in order to understand the world around them. In this post, I will share a few sample conversations and how we have worked together to make sense of race and racism over time. I do not present these samples as the “right” way to have these conversations. In fact, I am sure that not only is there no right way, there are ways you can have conversations that reproduce harm. I am a learner in this space. And as I learn, I share these episodes because having conversations at all is a way to acknowledge the role that race plays in both privilege and oppression in our society.

Episode 1: I want to report those people to the police.

Kid (6 yo): Mom! Something happened at school today and I worked with my friends and we are starting to do an investigation and I want to report them to the police.

Parent: Oh? What happened?

Kid: We saw them driving onto the grass at the park! They shouldn’t have been there. We started taking notes about what we saw and we are going to turn our notes into an investigation. We told our teacher and everything!

Parent: Hmm. I have some questions. Who was doing this investigating with you?

Kid: [Names friends- two kids of color and two white kids who are a very close friend group.]

Parent: Hmm. Who was talking during the conversation about the investigation?

Kid: [Names 3 kids talking and 1 kid, who identifies as Black, who was silent.]

Parent: Hmm. Why do you think that kid was silent?

Kid: Oh, I don’t know.

Parent: So what did the folks look like who were on the truck driving on the lawn?

Kid: They had Black skin.

Parent: Hmm. Can I tell you something?

Kid: Yes.

Parent: Well, I wonder why your [friend who was silent who is Black] was silent. Did you know that Black people are more likely to be told they are doing something wrong by the police?

Kid: No [I didn’t know that.]

Parent: Yes, it’s true. Black people are more likely to be pulled over and when folks are pulled over or stopped, Black people are more likely to be hurt.

Kid: Oh. Is that like when you told me about…[Names past conversations about racial violence and the police.]

Parent: Yes. And did you all think that perhaps they were driving on the lawn because they were setting up for an event or a workout?

Kid: No. But we were watching and THEY WERE DRIVING ON THE LAWN!

Parent: Okay, but maybe they were allowed. Did you think about that?

Kid: No, I didn’t.

Reflection on Episode 1: When a moment that seems like such clear bias emerges, particularly when it feels shocking, it has been a great time for me to reflect on how that bias is learned. Around the time this kid conducted this investigation, they had just started watching an investigator’s show. And while I am not certain whether the kid show portrayed bias in what they were investigating (lost puppies, missing jewelry, etc.), I am sure that the bias about who might be doing something wrong is constantly reified in how these kids, including as close friends, experience life. For me as a parent in this moment, I wanted to stay curious about how the kids were conducting an investigation, while still asking the kid to notice: 1. that there was one friend who they reported was largely silent, and 2. that they might have introduced their own bias while deciding whether what was going on was “right” or wrong. I asked the kid if they wanted me to reach out to their teacher and after having talked about possible racial bias, the kid was hesitant. However, they did end up following up and they were able to confirm that the vehicle was permitted to be there for an event. As a parent, this was an opportunity to disrupt the potential growing notions of bias these kids had about who was allowed to be in the park and why.

Episode 2: [A kid at school] said they don’t like white people.

Parent: How was your day?

7-yo: 8 out of 10.

Parent: Oh? It’s been 10 out of 10 for weeks. What’s up?

7-yo: A kid at school said they don’t like white people.

Parent: Oh?

7-yo: Yeah.

Parent: How did that make you feel?

7-yo: Sad.

Parent: Okay. Well why do you think they said that?

7-yo: Because white people are mean to Black people.

Parent: Mmmm. Yeah. That might be the case.

Reflection on Episode 2: When talking with the 7-yo about this conversation, I could see the sadness that was present simultaneous with the growing understanding that this kid may have a genuine reason to feel the way that they did. As the parent, I felt that it was important to honor the sadness alongside the understanding of bias. While we made it clear that we hope for everyone to like all people, we decided that this conversation was too narrow to understand where that friend was coming from. The kid and I checked in occasionally after that moment and although my kid and the one who made the comment weren’t the kind of friends who hung out every day, my kid reported staying friendly with them and understanding that their opinions could change over time.

Episode 3: Why are there only white people there?

Kid: Mom, why are there only white people [names a place].

Parent: I don’t know, let’s think about…. [names factors related to why people choose to be in particular spaces.]

Kid: Okay, but why are there only white people?

Reflection on Episode 3: The biggest potential in this kind of conversation is that the kids are noticing race and asking questions about it. While there aren’t necessarily perfect scenarios around either what kinds of folks should be in certain spaces and/or what the outcomes should be, the fact that the kids are noticing race makes me hopeful for future conversations about action and advocacy.

Episode 4: Kid: What does your shirt say? Parent: It says Black Lives Matter.

5-yo: Mom, what does your shirt say?

7-yo: It says Black Lives Matter

5-yo: I was asking Mom!

Parent: You can ask me- go ahead.

5-yo: What does your shirt say?

Parent: It says Black Lives Matter

5-yo: What does that mean?

7-yo: It means that white People have been being mean to Black people and not caring for their lives. So it means that we have to start caring for Black and Brown peoples’ lives.

5-yo: ok.

Parent: Do you have any questions?

5-yo: Not right now.

Reflection on Episode 4: In this particular scenario, the 7-yo’s reply was likely based on earlier conversations that we had about what Black lives matter means to our family. Although the 5-yo didn’t have questions at that moment, the conversation has come up regularly in the months since, with the 5-yo asking questions clarifying about who the races are of people, what it means to be nice or mean to people of other races, and what it means when you have friends of different races. We have talked about being a good friend, continuing to notice how people are treated, and what advocacy for others can look like.

I anticipate these conversations will be ongoing throughout my kids’ lives. And I am hopeful, that if any of these conversations are productive, they will result in an ability to notice, name, and enact change where needed.